The Glitch Report: August – 2010

13 Aug, 2010

Ahh Technology, what joy it brings us… That’s if you’re not me of course. I should just be writing about a Glitch in the Matrix that has rendered my life’s technological wares useless over the last few months. Seriously! My internet service is terrible, I won’t mention their true name for legal reasons but I’ll call them “Skittish Helicom”. Yeah, they made my internet crud and my laptop pretty much blows gratuitous amounts of anus at the moment too. Providing not one, but two serious crashes within the last 3 weeks. Plus, my Television died so it had to be taken away by some guys who handled it about as carefully as my little Niece handles her, now broken, toy phone. NICE!

Ehem… Anyway I am here for another reason. With technical issues, come Glitches, and I am here to deliver the news on the feast of weird Graphical Errors and Glitches that I have encountered in the last couple of months. This my friends, is the long overdue August Glitch Report.

Battlefield: Bad Company, PS3

Yes I know it’s 45,000 years old, but since I left University I’ve been trying to complete the games that I started playing, but then stopped before the end because I couldn’t take shouting copious amounts of insults at them anymore. So whilst I was endeavouring to finish this EFFING HARD, yet very good game, I discovered a graphical funny that made me chortle heartily between the obscenities.

After a vast hoard of enemies shot my face off 57 times, I was delighted to have cleared out this section of the level. That was until I noticed a flailing in the distance, right behind a mounted Machine Gun. “Oh bother!” I quietly exclaimed to myself as I ran for cover and expended just over 50 bullets into this flailing soldier. After a while I realised that he was not what I had once presumed him to be, a villain of evil death shouting “I ARE KILLS YOU WIF DIS GUN!” He was actually just a Party Animal, showing he wasn’t afraid to boogie down to his favourite anthem.

He was a corpse of a soldier I recently wiped out, who had plastered himself into a wall so the ragdoll physics could only wiggle wildly to try to free him from the embarrassment. Remember that dance that used to accompany the song “Saturday night”? Well mix that with the “Macarena”, “Aga doo”, “YMCA” and a selection of the finest Line Dances and you will be able to imagine what this chap was doing. His posterior was stuck in a wall and he was … dead, so he wasn’t able to fully show what he could do, but this guy could move!

Alan Wake, Xbox 360

Marvellous game! Love every second of it and it is virtually flawless when referring to bugs. However when I recorded gameplay of “Alan Wake” for my YouTube channel, I had a pretty funny Glitch that was probably my fault for being terrible at driving, but funny none the less. You can see the Glitch in the first few seconds of this video. Incase you can’t be bothered to watch it, or your internet is as exceptional as mine, I will describe the fault for you.

While having a pleasant drive in the country lanes of Bright Falls I spotted a red tower thingy that I thought I might enjoy a peek inside. So I parked my car neatly, (Crashed it into a rock and an old car so it was flipped on its side) and got out. Due to the driver’s side door being blocked by the floor, Alan kind of got out, but he was still in the car standing at a diagonal angle… After a second, the game reflected on its placement of the car/Wake and decided to correct it, by launching the vehicle in the air and flipping it on its roof. Not without a massive crunching noise though.
So thank you Alan Wake for your contribution to my little Glitch Report! “God I hate these overeager fans” =’(

Red Dead Redemption, Xbox 360

Ok this one is my favourite of all the ones I have here and it didn’t even happen to me *Curses under breath*. It happened to my friend and his lady friend while they were playing “Red Dead Redemption” Multiplayer Online. Dying is a natural thing on that game, it is inevitable when playing online. Usually when your head is impacted by flying lead, you respawn as the person you looked like before the hideous assault, not this time!

Turns out that instead of respawning my dear chum’s girlie as her former character, the game wanted to make her explode into a horrific, hundred limbed shadow of her former self… So the Outlaw’s way of life is not clever and it’s not fun – ok it is fun. However you will be punished for your murderous, lawbreaking ways by being reincarnated as some kind of Human Sea Anemone. Forever cursed to dwell in the lowest grey pits under the landscape for all eternity…

Left 4 Dead 2, Xbox 360

The last entry in my report for this month comes from the Xbox of Vixx!
While playing L4D2 on “The Parish”, Vixx encountered Coach the Bot living it up in good ol’ New Orleans. He felt amazing, overwhelmed (with zombies) and lighter than air… Well how else can you explain the guy standing on nothing.

“Bad Meshing!” I hear you cry. Well yes maybe but we can’t dismiss the fact that the old chap might be delighted by finally reaching the destination he’s been harping on about since the start of the game. “Don’t worry Ellis, we’ll find another way to N’Orleans”, yeah by walking on sunshine, who needs Jimmy Gibbs…

So that concludes this month’s edition of The Glitch Report. Normally I would say “Leave any Glitches you’ve encountered in the comments section below”, not this time though.
Please do leave a comment on what you think of these Glitches, but if you have any Video or Picture evidence of a Glitch that you have encountered yourself, send the video link/Picture of your Glitch and a basic outline of what happened to theglitchreport@hotmail.co.uk , and you could have yours featured in the next edition of ggsgamer’s Glitch Report.

Ta Ra for now and get Glitch hunting, there’s comedy gold in them thar hills. *Cheesy end line*